Category: Inner Voice

When you are dealing with an addiction, you can’t think your way into better action. You have to act your way into better thinking.

Angry? Sad? Disappointed? Agitated? Uncomfortable?

Pause.

And then get curious.

Why are you having those feelings, and what part did you play in getting yourself to the point of having those feelings?

Living with integrity means that if you say you are going to do something, there can only be two possible outcomes that you will consider.

(1) You do it.

or

(2) You admit that you can’t do it and say so.

There isn’t a third option where you pretend you didn’t say it, or a fourth option where you do part of it (maybe just the fun part) and pat yourself on the back for a job well done, or a fifth option where you justify your inaction because it was a stupid task or the person you told you were going to do it isn’t that nice of a person anyway.

Do it, or admit you were wrong to have committed to doing it in the first place.

Living with integrity is hard, but it helps you stay on the path of recovery instead of heading back towards your addiction.

Can people really change?

That depends.

Do you want to change?

This question needs to be about YOU, not about “people”. People can change if they want to. You can change if you want to. Do you really want to change, or are you just hoping that things around you (that are likely out of your control) change, or that the consequences of your unchanging actions change?

You can change if YOU want to.

You can change if you WANT to.

Don’t put too much energy into things. Don’t push yourself so hard that you feel like you are going to break. If you find yourself pushing too hard, ask yourself why. Is it because you left something to the last minute? Is it because you refused to ask for help? Is it because you get some sort of rush from being busy and stressed?

Things don’t have to be so hard. You don’t have to run at 3000 all the time. Try putting less energy into things.

Writing things down helps you to process your feelings.

If someone has made you upset, write a letter to them explaining why you feel that way. Decide at the point of writing that you won’t send it to them so you can just say whatever you want to say and get your feelings off your chest. Once you have written the letter, walk away from it for some time — at least a few hours, or perhaps as much as a day or two. When you read it back later, your feelings about some of the things you have written will likely have changed. You may be surprised at some of the things you have written. You might be surprised at the strength of your anger or disappointment. You might also start to be able to see your own part in the conflict in a different light. Writing a letter and not sending it, but rather walking away from it, can help you figure out what is bothering YOU about the situation so you can decide whether or not YOU can make any changes to help improve the relationship between you and the other person. Do you need to be a better communicator? Do you need to hold your tongue when you only have sharp words to say? Do you need to have better boundaries around that person? Try to figure out what YOU can do rather than spending time deciding how to get the other person to change.

This method can also work if you have too many things to do and you feeling like you are spinning out. Take some time to write down a list of everything that needs to get done. Then, walk away from it for some time. When you return to it, you will probably have gained some perspective on the tasks and will be in a better position to figure out the relative priority of each of the tasks.

Writing things down and then walking away is a powerful way to solve problems by giving yourself the time and space to calm down enough to be able to access your own better intuition.

It’s okay to have likes and dislikes. That is what makes us unique individuals. We don’t all need to like the same things. However, if your particular likes and/or dislikes are interfering with your recovery, you need to get curious about why you have those particular preferences, and see if they still hold any meaning for you, and if they are serving any particular purpose. Are they more important than your recovery?

If you feel yourself starting to get defensive, or you start to feel persecuted, get curious. Why are you feeling that way? What is your relationship with that person? What exactly are they doing in their lane, and what are you doing in yours?

Source: Stop Being Defensive episode of the UFYB podcast.